On Stephen King

I was ecstatic when Rob told us we would be reading "On Writing" by Stephen King in our feature writing class this term. Though I've probably seen a movie or two based off of his source material on accident, I knew nothing of King the writer before reading this book. Strange to me that he would produce easily the most important piece of literature I have ever read, when I'm not even a fan. Given to me as a gift by my parents who always fostered my desire to write about 4 years ago, I was immediately drawn to King's approach to writing, he's a no bullshit kind of guy and I appreciate that.

Of the many many lessons I took away from the half dozen times I've read this book the two that stick with me the most are to be a great writer you must be a great reader, or in his own words "Read a lot and write a lot. There's no way around these two things that I'm aware of, no shortcut." I never quite understood in reflection why my writing was so much better during summers where I was as prolific with my eyes as I was my pen but suddenly it made sense when reading that line. Good writing rubs off on you, you cannot exist in a medium you do not appreciate. I have taken that mantra and applied it to everything and thanks to King I actually try to read the newspaper now.

The second most important lesson is to "Kill your Darlings." In the book King has a sports editor in high school named Gould that takes a red pen to his work and shows him more in ten minutes than he learned in 6 years of English lit, composition, fiction, and poetry classes by getting rid of all of the personal indulgences and embellishment and making the story readable. As Gould says "When you rewrite, your main job is taking out all of the things that are not the story." Whenever I edit I try to use what I call the 'King' rule and hack off 10% because I know I was just writing for me when I started, now I need to tell a story to others though and they don't need to hear every flowery bit of prose I can cram into a page. I'm not here to impress people with my massive vocabulary or my ability to conjoin metaphors, if I want to write like that fine, put it in a notebook, but once it goes in print it needs to be fit for consumption by others. Since I started going in with that mindset I have noted my writing has become crisper, stronger, and carried more power and clarity.

In short I love "On Writing" I recommend it to anyone that has even the slightest inkling to become a writer professionally. It summarizes all of the things you must know about writing without any hoops or fire pits to cross in the process.

Who Watches "Watchmen?"

It takes a special kind of a person to enjoy a movie like "Watchmen." Fan worshiped and critically endorsed, "Watchmen" has long been a household name in graphic novel reading. Written in 1986-87 by Alan Moore, author of "V for Vendetta" and "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen," "Watchmen" is a gritty, cerebral, honest morality morass that reeks of influences ranging from Raymond Chandler to Bryan Talbot. It’s important to note that "Watchmen" is not based off of a comic book, but rather its bloodier grown-up cousin the graphic novel. You will not find a traditional hero, be he super or spider, in this film; this is a world where heroes die and the unthinkable takes place. This is the world of Rorschach and The Comedian, where little girls get eaten by dogs and internal organs stick to ceilings.


Set in an alternate version of the mid '80s, with our nation still caught in the throes of the Cold War, the United States has emerged unquestionably victorious in Vietnam due to the timely intervention of its masked champions. But once the war is over, the heroes find themselves obsolete and unwanted by the public who forces them into retirement, vigilantism, or accepting government positions. Things seem to be quieting down until one of their own, The Comedian, is murdered at the hands of an unknown assailant. This puts a burr in the boot of Rorschach, who tries to rally allies against this invisible hand and pull their attention away from the sky, where all wait for the ominous nuclear forecast to come true.

The question when going into a movie based off of one of your favorite books, comics, or novellas is never "How good will it be?," but "Will they screw this up?" And in this case they didn’t; at least not completely. Granted if you’re looking for a reason to hate "Watchmen" you’ll find it; it has its flaws. At times the violence crosses into the threshold of unnecessary gratuity, some of the rich background subplots like the interaction between a newspaper stand owner and kid, or Rorschach’s psychiatrist and his wife are marginalized to create space for the elephantine narrative that makes up the main story, and blue penis (I say no more!). But every decision I saw running through film maker Zack Snyder (of 300 fame) I agreed with. Deviation from source material was minimal; if anything Snyder can be accused of embellishment, adding fight scenes and violent upswings to presumably maintain the interest of those mistakenly seeking an action film. At curtains though, the only thought that crossed my mind was "it was the best we could hope for." Deep in my heart of nerd hearts, I wish every great piece of literature could be transformed into a "Lord of the Rings"-type trilogy, but I understand the restraints placed upon the adapters and for what it’s worth Snyder made the transition to big screen as painless and honest as he could.

No more was the dedication to source material apparent than Jackie Earl Haley’s depiction of Rorschach, the smallest badass this side of John McClane. Just imagine a five foot nothing, ugly as sin red headed Dirty Harry and you get the idea. When he wasn’t occupied with throwing deep frying oil on inmates and growling some of the best lines I’ve ever heard uttered (“None of you understand. I’m not locked up in here with you, you’re locked up in here with me!”), Rorschach provided the beat of the city through his Phillip Marlowe-like narrative, spouting hardened phrases and his simplified view of the world: that extremes require equal force to contain them.

All of the characters in "Watchmen" are pillars to aspects of moral relativism, giving you an equal opportunity to find an identity in one of them. The Comedian (Jeffery Dean Morgan) sees people as animals, so he decides to be the biggest and the meanest dog in the yard. After thinking of Morgan as that Ghost from "Grey’s Anatomy" that my sisters seem to love, I was surprised he was able to pull off the brutality and reckless abandon of the role, but he did an exceptional job. Nite Owl (Patrick Wilson) is a timid genius of a man trying to inject some good in the world. His interaction with The Silk Spectre II (Malin Akerman) gave the film a kind of normality that bordered between lovable and boring from scene to scene. Dr. Manhattan (Billy Crudup), the one true ‘superhero’ gifted after an accident with the ability to rearrange matter, plays the role of the apathetic observer and arbiter. Being the ace in the hole of the United States' military, Dr. Manhattan’s only connection to the world seems to be Silk Specter. A character of introspective reflection and sadness in the novel, I was disappointed to see him relegated to a role of heavy machinery that simply moved plot along as needed. Ozymandias (Matthew Goode) also seemed to not carry the same level of gravitas he possessed in print. Written as an altruistic wealthy playboy fashioned in the image of Alexander the Great, he too seemed to fall short of expectation, shown instead as a cold, distant environmentalist.

Watchmen is a visual feast, akin to the styling of artist Dave Gibbons' original drawings. The characters pop against the gray dullness of the world. Costumes of the heroes are fashioned ironically after muscle suits and spandex you would come to expect from comic book characters, which serves only in further compounding the sense of surrealism that surrounds the film. With a few glitches, the soundtrack was well arranged and carried you into each storyboard with the appropriate level of tension and dismay. Although I was delighted by the opening collage set to Bob Dylan’s “The Times They Are A-Changin,” some of the selections seemed awkward and ill-placed. Most notably was Leonard Cohen’s Hollywood-saturated classic “Hallelujah” set to a love scene, which may sound idyllic but set the wrong tone.

All in all though, while "Watchmen" fell short of becoming the epic it deservedly should be, it still retains enough thoughtful pause and unique personality to warrant a viewing. At the very least I hope it prompts those who have not thumbed through the source material to give it a shot and revel in the texture and grime of its predecessor. So who will watch the Watchmen? Well I hope you do, dear reader, and if you attend with an open mind I think you’ll find something worth seeing. I give the Watchmen 4 blue penises out of 5.

Taken from my article at The Commuter

LBCC Tells Global Warming to go to Hell

Mayors, Senatorial Aides, and good ole’ fashioned regular folk gathered in the forums of LBCC on Feb. 4 for a national teach-in about global warming. The purpose was to create a dialogue between officials and students about how energy conservation is being combated on a local level.

Stefan Seiter, program chair of Agriculture at LBCC, emphasized that the gathering was not created to help spread awareness on the issue, but rather discuss actual movement towards minimizing wasteful use of resources in the area, the topic of the day according to Seiter was to be “…actions, actions and solutions that will move us forward.”

In attendance on the panel of speakers were; Dan Whelen aide to Congressman Peter Defazio, Corvallis Mayor Charles Tomlinson, and Albany Mayor Sharon Konopa.

Sustainability, the new code word for ‘going green’, was on the tips of everyone’s tongues as the panel read prepared statements listing their goals on influencing changes around the area. While Konopa spoke about careful urban planning, Tomlinson outlined goals to create more efficient building practices and curbing excessive use of water and electricity. After railing on former President Bush a little, Defazio’s letter went on to speak on the importance of investing in natural gas and the inclusion of the global community in finding solutions saying “Global Warming is by definition a global problem.” Once a review of their statements was concluded the panel of three fielded questions from the audience about what measures are being taken on a City and State level to turn Linn-Benton green.

Whelen briefly spoke about funding allocation from the stimulus package being pushed through right now estimating that of Oregon’s piece of the pie 85 million will be put towards improving transportation and 305 million will be allocated towards updating highways and bridges statewide. Tomlinson later remarked that a team had been put together to discuss ways to reduce congestion on the bridge leading out of Corvallis, with plans to meet on Feb. 6 to start outlining ideas.

After an audience member in attendance inquired about plans for a connecting bike path, Konopa responded saying that it was “Something that is in our plans, it’s just held back by a lack of funds.” Tomlinson followed up by saying that Corvallis had already begun plans to build their own bike path to the extent of city limits, in hopes the two cities might someday be connected.

Discussion about the famed “Green collar” jobs also took place, with Tomlinson saying he hoped that some of the fees recently voted in by OSU students could be used towards helping supplement green collar job creation by stimulating work force development. While LBCC currently lacks environmentally focused programs, interest was raised by students at a later brainstorm session for the creation of a two year degree.

When asked about their influence on making drastic changes to the environment in the area, the mayors stressed their primary role is advocacy, but they did have a hand in altering the landscape in terms of city planning. Konopa spoke several times that she felt strongly about slowing urban sprawl and felt big changes could be made by small alterations in the construction of homes and office buildings. Says Konopa “We’re going to be reviewing our development code, there are many little things that would help.” Among her suggestions were making plug ins for electric cars mandatory in garages, and alterations to new roofs being built on homes to facilitate alternative energy like solar panels and wind turbines.

She also stressed vertical development, like building parking garages up to save on land, or pushing for smaller homes with lower ceilings that required less energy to heat. Tomlinson echoed her sentiments, suggesting a system where new housing was required to fulfill an Eco-friendly point system, making small alterations on buildings until they have enough green accommodations to fulfill the prerequisites to be built. Tomlinson was also excited to talk about other small ways to save energy like using a rainwater catch system to store winter water for summer use or attaching reneweable energy charges on utility bills, who’s proceeds would be invested into conservation programs around the city.

Tomlinson hopes that discussions like the one held on Thursday will continue between the two cities saying to the audience gathered at the forum, “Your university president has been a catalyst to bringing our two cities together.” He further commented that the problem of dealing with Global warming on a local level is sometimes problematic, but he saw real promise in gatherings like the Teach-In, “It’s an issue of political and regional cooperation, I look forward to working with the mayor of Albany and her council in the future.”

5 Reasons To Read My Lists

When the Commuter staff took it’s trip to the Associated Collegiate Press conference in San Diego this last week, we learned a lot about each other:
1. Twenty hours is too long to spend in a car with anyone
2. People that own boats are jerks
3. We all like lists
4. We like to make lists
5. We want to share some of these lists with you

Five reasons why Canada sucks
1. Eskimos.
2. I use honey on pancakes, I don’t need you.
3. We already took all your good celebrities.
4. Three Vowels? Greedy hosers.
5. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Five reasons why Greg’s hair is fantastic
1. You can leave him outside on a cold night without concern for his well-being.
2. Looks like you might be able to fit like 50 gummy worms in there.
3. Makes him easy to find in crowds.
4. It hides the scars.
5. You ever seen it? I don’t even need a fifth.
Five reasons why Gary is a better copy editor than you 1. He’s right. 2. You’re wrong. 3. He knows it. 4. You know it. 5. Its pronounced DIS-UHN-TER-EE. 6. He probably already found something wrong with this list.

Five reasons it’s better to be a werewolf than a vampire
1. You can grow a sweet beard.
2. Vampire rice is terrible.
3. No tuxedos and crappy accent.
4. Most public restrooms are only available during the day.
5. Wesley Snipes doesn’t want to kill you.

Five best things to say in a Christopher Walken voice
1. “Wow.”
2. “Gary, shut up.”
3. “He’s a nice guy, give him a chance.”
4. “We driving?”
5. “I don’t like ghosts.”

The San Diego Chronicles:Day 2

I awoke in the golden splendor of California. Having been a 21-year resident of my beloved state I expected sunshine, but nothing can really prepare you for the re-immersion into California weather after being away for so long. It was as if God coated his fist in sunshine and punched me in the face, and I spent the first two hours squinting like a nearsighted newborn. Passing through Sacramento and Los Angeles, I had the urge to go to a theme park, whose lack of presence in Oregon I find disturbing, but since we were on a mission we went to the second most magical place on earth: In-N-Out. Now I know everyone talks the place up like it’s the Shangri-La of burgers, and it is, but I learned long ago some people say they hate the Beatles just to be cool, so I didn’t want to run that risk with those among us that had not yet experienced the majesty of an animal style double-double before and kept my mouth shut. My devotion was rewarded by Max, who had never eaten there, reaffirming my faith in the best burger franchise on the west coast (suck it Burgerville). After rocking our way further south we finally landed at our destination.

Now, I had never stayed at a Marriot before (the Casillas clan is more of a Best Western crowd), so I was anticipating something pretty good from our convention hosts. I became quickly disillusioned as we ambled upward to our rooms, where I first noted the enormous volume of people trying to cram into the two functioning elevators; a minor inconvenience, but things really fell apart when we reached the rooms themselves. A mere $540 a night will apparently get you a single bed and a tiny balcony, internet access is $13 a day, parking in the hotel lot is another $13, with no kind of complimentary breakfast provided so you have to buy an eggs benedict for $25 or walk a few blocks. When we came down, they neglected to inform us (and apparently anyone else attending) that they required a fee to secure a room with two beds so as we only had access to two rooms that weren’t even big enough to fit a cot into a couple of us had to spend the night on the floor. Once we came downstairs to the pool though, it was apparent where at least some of the money went: the pool area was beautiful. Hammocks and round umbrella-laden cushions were everywhere, the fauna was lush and spilled over every vacant inch not coated in marble or pillows.

I almost forgave the shysters after experiencing that man-made paradise firsthand, but unfortunately I did not have enough time to lounge as we had a keynote speaker that very afternoon. It may have been the long drive, but I could not stay awake when she spoke. She seemed nice enough, a reporter on international affairs who was clearly passionate about her work, but transferring that passion to her audience seemed to be more of a challenge, at least from my perspective. I made badges for our group to pass the time and stay awake, but ended up nodding off for a few minutes near the end. After I woke up I was greeted to the news that there would be a mixer by the pool. After fitting as many wings as we could onto our tiny plates we clustered around a tiny table and I got a good look at our present peers. What struck me the most was how dressed up some of them were; James and I made an attempt at suiting up but it was clear we were the only ones in our party that matched with the crowd. Journalism is serious business elsewhere, it seems, and other papers were looking the part; the whole festival smelled of douchebaggery and I kept a wary eye out for telling signs that I had trapped myself for a weekend in a hotel full of bros. After our makeshift meal we set out into the night, heading to the store to buy some essentials, where I managed to find a pair of replacement sandals for the ones I had lost. The rest of the night was a blur of singing patriotic Canadian songs, arm wrestling competitions, and Christopher Walken impressions.
-To Be Continued

The San Diego Chronicles:Day 1

The staff of The Commuter was sent down to attend the Associated Collegiate Press Journalism Conference in San Diego this last weekend. This is our story. ‘Insert Law and Order noise’

The trip down has been awesome so far. We split our parties into two vans, and I think I got the better half of the deal (no offense Lids, Rob, etc!). Our motley crew consists of yours truly, that lovable dilettante Greg, big pain James, head chef of my heart, Asian sensation Jon, Mad Max who presumably came to find Mt. Doom, camera lush extraordinaire Becca, the Gar-bear, and merry MaryAnne.

After I spent about an hour trying to think up nicknames for everyone, I noticed several things were amiss. Firstly, Jon had managed to keep his shirt on for more than an hour in an enclosed space (a new record). Secondly, my laptop was refusing to charge. On top of that, the ventilation in the van sucked, for some reason even on full blast cool we were still getting lukewarm air blowing in our faces. This problem was further compounded by the vast quantities of perishables we had on our person that we were desperately trying to consume in time. Unfortunately, we didn’t get to the ham in time to save it from becoming a big plastic hot pocket of failure.

Despite the minor setback, most of the trip through went well, and I spent the wee hours of the night not being raped at rest stops along the freeway, and watching anime with Max and James while Greg desperately searched for a fifth reason why zombies are natural. As things settled down and the ’90s mix got quieter, we found our corners and tried to sleep in excited preparation for the day ahead. I found a window in the back of the van and spent the night trying to kick Jon in the head as he lay on the ground eating tacos in the dark.

-To Be Continued!

LBCC Set to Take Another Shot at Championship

After leading the southern conference last year with co champions Mount Hood, the roadrunners are poised to bring home yet another title to LBCC. Greg Hawk has helped build a legacy for the team over the extent of his tenure as head coach that is 25 years deep and 6 regional and conference titles high, success he attributes to what he calls a “blue collar program” that centers around hard work and repetition. “Guys that came here and didn’t go to the big schools play with a chip on their shoulder, and they’re going to go out and battle you all day long. And if they don’t get it done we’re going to retool and we’ll be back the next day better,” says Hawk.
After a fielding a strong sophomore group last year, the Roadrunners may be suffering from the displacement of a few key roles.

Notably on the defensive end where changes were made that brought fresh players to the forefront. Last year MVP conference Pitcher Liam Baron is expected to step into a leadership role on the team previously filled by center fielder Mitchell Nelson who now plays at the University of Dayton in Ohio. Baron may be standing alone on the mound however as the turnover of a fresh team shows a lack of support from the bullpen.

Says Hawk,“Our depth on the mound isn’t what we thought it would be, coming into the spring we lost a couple guys to injury and our number two pitcher just didn’t want to go to school.” As it currently stands the only relief for the Australian star may be former freshmen all south relief pitcher Trevor Smith who doubled last year as an infielder . “Pitching and defense is what’ll win you championships” says Hawk “We’re just not sure how our defense club and infield are going to perform yet. That was a strength last year and we’ve got to grow in that position. We’ve got good players, they just haven’t gone through the repetitions. After a few games I think we’ll be right back where we were.”

The outfield suffers from no such shortage of talent as the grassline will be guarded by three all conference players that help comprise the core of powerhitters the team has been gifted with this year. Returning 6’2” right fielder Blaine Goodwin is one of six players in the lineup that come from a background of being a clean-up hitter. Says Goodwin, “I think we’re looking pretty good, we’ve got a lot of swingers. I really think we can make things happen.” Help from the plate should produce exciting results in the Roadrunners season and help offset any kinks that need to be worked out during initial games.

“We’ve got big outfielders that can run and hit. We’ve got some big hitters, I like our chances we’re going to score a lot of runs and if we play defense we’re going to win a lot of games. Im excited to watch them play. I’m excited for the season to start, I wish we were starting today.” says Hawk. LBCC is set to kick off their season on Feb. 28 against Gray’s Harbor at The Dalles with their first game against last year’s rival Mount Hood taking place on March 26.

From MMO to CEO

Once thought a passing (albeit enormous) fad, gaming has established itself as a mainstream staple, rising to prominence in the league of comparable mediums like movies and television. What’s more notable is those that have grown up in this entertainment phenomenon, an entire generation indoctrinated with video games, who’s vernacular is peppered with newly refurbished turns of old phrases, and a pantheon of memorable experiences foreign to the old growth that precedes them. The Entertainment Software Association released it’s annual report findings, which revealed that 65% of American households play computer or video games, and what’s more surprising is 59% of those gamers play with others in person.

Which falls in line with my own experience, as the first time game I ever played a video game was in a crowded room of boys from my Little League baseball team all clustered around a screen. To my generation gaming is the Rock and Roll revolution of the baby boomers, fragmented experiences using games have helped comprise the landscape of my formative years and produce the kind of person I am today.

For years I have also seen the bittered cry of those that dismiss gaming as a distasteful habit of sloth and intellectual erosion, a vehicle of the gradual disintegration of values and work ethics that were once so ingrained into our culture. While condemnation of the passions undertaken by their offspring is nothing new, it does raise the question to me of the impact my gaming generation has had, and will continue to wield on the world. To fully understand the influence it has on my generation, we must first grasp the scope of it’s evolution, from pastime to permanent fixture, and it’s resounding implications on the world in which we exist.

In 2007 Bungie Studios released it’s anticipated close to an acclaimed trilogy Halo 3, a game in which you played a cybernetic suited space marine that quashed the ambitions of alien races intent on the destruction of the universe. On its North American release it netted $170 million dollars on opening day, surpassing all other venues of entertainment in terms of sheer gross earnings. Overcoming by a large margin the biggest movie release to date, The Dark Knight, which rests at $158 million or the final installment of the Harry Potter Franchise who moved 11 million copies worldwide on it’s release day. According to Blizzard entertainment the massive multi player online role playing game World of Warcraft has drawn over 11 million subscribers to it’s universe of swords and sorcery, half the population of Australia, and those numbers continue to climb with the release of each expansion.

Video games are an enormous industry parallel to the once great powers of music and television, their growing influence is felt in every facet of American society, and those lasting impressions garnered by its presence have helped shape the gaming generation as they inhabit the work force of today’s businesses. Those that grew up on Mario and Sonic, are now in their twenties and thirties each connected by their singular experience of playing video games. If you want to connect to a guy in his mid twenties, the bridge is no longer sports or cars, it’s Excitebike or Duck Hunt, icons of their youth that spring to mind similar shared experiences.

As a kid I can remember countless times I found common ground with others through games, soccer team mates that would lend me a game genie, or spending a night blasting through an alien wasteland with a close friend; video games have served me well as a medium of communication through which a semblance of familiarity is found in others. Lending itself as a constant excuse to socially interact, casual friendly machines like the Nintendo Wii or games like Rock Band have developed into ready made bonding agents, culturally appealing to a diverse mixture of personality types and interests. And that is the intent of every good game, to nurture relationships between people, giving each a portioned role to develop in contributing to the dynamics of social inclusion.

But what do those contributions translate into when introduced to the fast moving waters of mainstream culture? The old stigma surrounding video games was that they would land you in a permanent residence in your parent’s basement, where you would remain;unemployed and pale as your fleeting aspirations. Although that mindset, applied to the generations before us through comic books and television, has begun to fade into the back of the general population’s conscience as we all begin to pick up controllers; it still lingers in the habitual lexicon of those that misunderstand video game culture. Video games help make canon those values sought after in the ambitions of a successful person, bringing to the forefront qualities like loyalty, competitiveness, and self reliance.

A cursory glance at one popular aforementioned game World of Warcraft, shows the underlying ideals instilled in the players through interaction with the world created by Blizzard. Through teamwork and the progressive honing of individual characteristics, players are taught that reward and accolade are given to those that work with others. Insurmountable objectives are toppled by an efficient team that communicates the needs and actions to one another, while individual preparation for those objectives plays an essential role in the success of their efforts. The competitive nature of humanity is also drawn out through constant vying for the spotlight in Roman-like arena matches or larger mission based Battle Ground clashes, where the emphasis of combined effort are again a driving force to the success of its contestants. Exceptions to these values promoted in the game are quickly met with social justice, as players that develop a reputation for selfish endeavors and greed are meted with public blacklisting, and in extreme cases are relegated to solitude, as guilds and groups of players refuse to interact or include them in quests for equipment.

Leadership is a vital quality in gaming, the assessment and allocation of talent in the world of video games means the difference between winning or losing. Quick tough decisions must be made by an appointed head of organizations or clans and guilds, who gets what, when, where, and how are questions asked daily of those that take the mantle of leadership. And winning bears great importance to gamers, a survey given by the authors of Got Game shows that 25.7% of frequent gamers age 18-34 believe that winning is everything, compared to the 14.4% of non-gamers that say the same; reflections of the tenacity inspired by the simulated challenge incorporated into video games. Although it may be first instinct to question the motives of those that make such a bold statement, because after all winning isn’t everything, how you get to that point really shows the strength in character of the individual; we can also see in another of their surveys a mere 20% of frequent gamers compared to 28% of non-gamers say that the best way to make a decision is to make it on their own.This shows us that players do not forsake ethics in favor of reward, instead measuring their own wants and desires against those of the groups. Displaying democratic tendencies that mirror those in the gaming world, where each person gives voice and helps structure the ambition of an organization. I have in my own life applied experiences gleaned from interacting with others in video games to real life consequence, using important lessons on how to manage people and empathize with their needs and aspirations to find a collaborative goal conducive to both of our desires.

At first glance video game culture may appear a simple entertainment trend, flourishing in the last few decades with the careful attention of its devoted fans. But upon closer inspection we see the effects it has on those people that practice it, its influence in shaping their outlook is profound and far, touching lives well beyond its immediate reach. As an ambassador of this new generation of gamers I have always felt an obligation to represent the best of my people. Memories I cherish that revolve around video games have always given me hope in the potential of its imprint of our lives, that this slow ascendancy into the roles of those that come before us will be an evolution of betterment, woven by the threads of common ground seen in all of us.

Column Topic

For my column topic I'm thinking of defaulting to my Obamanation post unless something else comes along that's more inspiring. Other topics I'm considering is the integration of gamers into the work force, or the elitism of the Oscars.

Retort to an Anort

Note: This was written as a response to "Grunge Isn't Dead" published in the February 4th Issue of the Commuter.

Why did the Greg cross the road? It didn't, because Greg refuses to move forward. My dear friend Gregory Dewar is a creature of habit, mired in the bog of perpetual inadaptability. He is the bison that gets pulled down first on those nature shows, limping behind his friends because he's too busy rocking out to terrible bands like Alice in chains to notice his liver just got torn out by a hyena. And he is being eaten alive, by society man.

The first time I met Greg his pronounced mannerisms and lagging sense of fashion was what struck me first, he is a time capsule of 90's one liners and smooth oldies, sporting flannel shirts he draws a remarkable likeness to the prehistoric 1996 guy from South Park; just on the cusp of closing that threshold between modern and days of yore I feel he too is the link to another age. The second thing I noticed about Greg is that he doesn't like anything, he probably won't like this article because it was made sometime in the last decade. Within the first two hours of being in the car with him I extrapolated his laundry list of things he hated, all drawn together by the common trait of being recent.

According to the Bible of Greg (In all likelihood his favorite book since most of it was written a few thousand years ago) a good video game, movie, and television show has not emerged for years. Why? Corporations, lack of creativity blah blah who cares of the elements that comprise this thinly guised prejudice for shiny things, I just know if it didn't hit the assembly line before Baldurs gate one he probably ain't all that into it.

As you may imagine there are some things Greg does love, Greg loves eating food out of other people's desks and telling us to not say anything. Greg loves Tacos, and Greg LOVES flannel. In his own words and I quote "It's warm and you don't have to change before going to bed." Bam! There you have it literate public, a modern day renaissance man not held down by convention and rudimentary hygienic practices.

I get it, I own a few checkered shirts that I wear in the forest where nobody can see me. I too once walked such heigths, stabbing my face relentlessly with piercings and rolling in grass seed to maintain my unkempt aloofness. But then I got a job and stopped being a filthy hippie. I mean would it kill you to wear a nice shirt every once an awhile? Really?! Would you explode into baby turtles if a tie got noosed around your neck for more than an hour?! I don't think it would Greg...I don't think it would.

And your argument about grunge is invalid, thanks a lot for Nickleback and Creed. You really opened some doors there instead of fostering a viable music movement. If we want to play the roots game I should probably thank slavery for all those sweet underground riffs that lent themselves as a fulcrum for blues. That is a can of worms that can be traced back to the dawn of man, but can you truly say music is better because of grunge? The late 90's were a cesspool of raspy heartless radio beats that collapsed the internal organs of the business at a time where music was already being threatened by waning sales.

Trust me there's nothing I would like better then for that dinosaur of an industry to come crashing down, and I have clocked countless hours screaming along in the truck to the choicest cuts of sound that were derived from the period but I cannot say with a definitive voice that music was improved by the emergence of grunge. What can be acknowledged and was consented to in your own article was that Grunge exists only in faded glory, further confirmed by your allegiance to it's tattered flag. Dead? Absolutely, if you want to argue relevance to the creation of today's music though I might need to borrow a flannel jacket because I'm moving to the country, and I anticipate Ill be eating a lot of peaches.

5 Senses Exercise

Sean's apartment stinks, and not just the heavy must that seems to pervade all apartment buildings in Oregon but really stinks. The first thing you notice when walking in the door is the acrid tang of dirty dishes and decomposing pasta, his garbage can is overflowing with paper plates and half open packages of ramen. All food prepared in the rancid sanctum of his abode seems tainted with the overpowering taste of rot and filth that resides in clouds above his sink, puffing in plumes to the beat of a dripping faucet. So whenever secular influence creeps into my life I simply walk two blocks down the street and experience hell first hand, and suddenly i'm a believer again.

How To Pretend Like you Watched The Superbowl

With the population of the United States resting just over the 300 million mark and the Superbowl pulling in viewership of an estimated 100 million the question is raised what are the other 200 million people doing on Sunday? According to my calculations after subtracting the obligatory Quaker-slash-baby-slash-coma factor in the remaining two thirds, those of you with electricity and the capacity for bipedal mobility just don’t care. And who can blame you, in today’s fast paced world who has time to watch T.V. with friends and eat food; forget that noise, but a problem arises come Monday when all everyone wants to talk about is the happenings at the bowl and you’re left out of the loop. So what do you do? Fear a little less child, because I’ve got all the information you need to maintain a fully fleshed out conversation for an event you could care less about.

Before we get into the meat of the exercise a few basic tricks to help you get through the conversation.

General Tips: Disagree with someone for no good reason, it will make you seem like an expert.

If multiple people are talking at once, just say words and be expressive with your hands, you’ll feel involved and get your metabolism going.

Complain about referees, nobody likes referees.

Use vague terms when discussing events. If further detail is inquired after fill your mouth with popcorn, or bread, and excuse yourself from the room.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way a few topics of discussion.

5 Things that happened

1. What: 100 Yard Interception return that shook the Cardinals potential lead Who: Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker James Harrison, previously cut by the Steelers 3 times before landing a permanent spot on their roster. When: 2nd Quarter with no time on the clock. Fun Fact: Not only an amazing play but a historical one, landing at the longest interception in Superbowl history which previously stood at 76 Yards by Kelly Herndon. Suggested Topic Starter: Impress your friends with your rudimentary understanding of game rules to ease into the conversation for example ‘Say did you fellas know there are 100 yards in a football field?’


2. What: Bruce Springsteen assaulting your television with a power slide that ended with his crotch slamming into the camera. Who: The Boss and his poor back. When: Halftime, about halfway Through “The Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out.” Fun Fact: Springsteen has up to this point successfully administered the necessary functions to produce 3 healthy children. Suggested Topic Starter: You guys want to hear about the third best moment of my life?


3. What: The Cardinal’s valiant last minute attempt at a comeback, scoring 16 points in less than 10 minutes. Who: Cardinal Quarterback Kurt Warner eye for downfield openings and Wide Receiver Larry Fitzgerald’s nimble hands were responsible for the steady push across the field. When: 4th quarter coming back from being down 20-7. Fun Fact: Kurt Warner was born in Iowa, you know who else was born in Iowa? Nobody because Iowa sucks. Suggested Topic Starter: Just conjoin words and phrases like pocket and ground game with names of players and they should be none the wiser.


4. What: The winning touchdown. Who: Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger throws a deep in-zone pass to Santonio Holmes who brings it down under the cover of three Cardinals. When: 4th quarter with 43 seconds on the clock, second down after Holmes lets one slip through his hands. Fun Fact: ‘Roethlisberger’ can be rearranged to say ‘The beer is log” which is a mere 3 letters away from making sense. Suggested Topic Starter: Challenge your friends to a jumping contest, then during the award ceremony mention the play.


5. What: Mike Tomlin is a Jedi. Who: Steeler Head Coach Mike Tomlin evades being attacked with Gatorade using otherworldly senses. When: A long long time ago in a galaxy far far away. Fun Fact: These are not the droids you’re looking for. Suggested Topic Starter: Next time a co-worker experiences a minor success like filing a report on time, throw Gatorade at them. If they fail to evade it casually comment that they’re “No Mike Tomlin.” When questioned what the hell that means you have your opening.

The Validity of Wikipedia

I've noticed a hate love relationship brewing between wikipedia and the slew of teachers I've known since starting college. Many seem to mock it's credentials as it's become common knowledge that it's open sourced, but they still seem to refer to it often enough that it's apparent they use it in their everyday lives themselves. Talking to other students I get the impression we all seem to use it to some extent, either brushing up on the basic facts of a topic or following external links to find something more impressive to sate the thirst of our tradition mired instructors.

The problem is of course that anyone can edit it which means at any moment someone could right now be altering the biography of Janis Joplin to say she ate cats and we being the mindless drones that we are will read it shrug our shoulders and accept it at face value. If you use a little discretion and common sense however I think it's a completely valid source. I have a big issue with blindly following big titles, just because someone is a doctor doesn't mean you have to do what they tell you, a professor isn't necessarily any smarter than any other Joe on the street. I think it's pure intellectual snobbery to eliminate wikipedia, essentially acting as the voice of the people on the basis that commoners can add to its articles. If anything I would think some of wikipedia's material contains less bias as it passes under the prejudicial eye of innumerable people who knead and beat it into its least offensive form; as opposed to a couple of historians or scientists and their editors.

Drug War In Mexico Escalates

While conflicts arise overseas the United States has begun to turn it's attention closer to home as reports filter out from Mexico about the rise in crime and bloody war being waged between the standing government and drug cartels. The streets of Juarez, Tijuana, and Nuevo Laredo have run red with blood over the last year, accounting for a sizable chunk of the 6,616 people who have died in drug-trafficking violence according to Mexico's attorney general. The brutality of the killings have escalated to targeting Mexican officials and soldiers, an article posted by the Wall Street Journal reports just last week Police Commander Martin Castro's decapitated head was found in an ice cooler outside the police station in the town of Praxedis left with the calling card of the Sinoloa drug cartel. One of many examples of the mafia style intimidation tactics employed by provincial drug lords as a response to Mexico's president Felipe Calderon aggressive 2 year campaign against organized crime. According to the Los Angeles Times since his induction into office Calderon has deployed 45,000 troops and 5,000 federal police officers around the country as part of the anti-drug offensive, putting pressure on the frequent trafficking of narcotics across the shared border with the U.S.


The instability of Mexico does not bode well for Calderon as he seeks to establish a relationship with the new administration, though it remains to be seen whether any direct intervening by the United States government will take place, concerns have been raised whether Mexico's violent upheaval will bleed over the border. In a report by the U.S. Joint Forces Command, Mexico was grouped with Pakistan as being a potentially failing state that warrant monitoring as their collapse would directly threaten the security of the United States. Currently $400 million of the $1.4 billion Merida initiative has already been approved by congress, allocated towards supplying Mexico with the technology and hardware to combat the swell of drug trade which threatens to tear the country apart. The security-aid package is justified by advocates who cite the over $10-15 billion profits a year being supplied to cartels by American citizens who purchase narcotics, stating simply that this drug war affects us all. In a report sent at the end of last year retired Gen. Barry McCaffrey, known as the drug czar under the Clinton administration, warns that "Mexico Is on the edge of the abyss-- it could become a narco-state in the coming decade." McCaffrey further points out that Mexico is vital to the American economy, supplying a third of our imported oil and housing 18,000 companies with ties to American industry. Obama Met with Calderon on January 19th and pledged the continued support of the U.S. in resolving their internal conflict through the Merida initiative though had little else to add beyond praising the "extraordinary relationship" their two countries share and stating that "My message today is that my administration is going to be ready on Day One to build a stronger relationship with Mexico."

A Poet That Might Know It

Kaedance Eaton is a hell of a lot stronger than she looks. I was first struck by her impressive capacity for carrying things when she arrived outside for our interview toting what looked to be roughly 10 lbs of loosely assembled papers. She dismissed her feat of fortitude with a quick grin and a wave of her hand, proudly displaying her 3 planners and notebook of lists.

Why trouble yourself with carrying half a tree around campus? Well, she writes a lot, so much and so well in fact that LBCC has seen fit to deem her our poet laureate, a vaguely auspicious title that demands such uncommon strength and a boatload of paper to fill the musings of commissioned creativity.

Other notable names like Robert Frost, Allen Tate, and William Carlos William have faced such physical hardships in the past on a national level, working as poet laureate for the library of congress since 1937. But what are the duties of a poet laureate? Of the handful of students around campus who I posed the question to, only one had any concept of the position. Dan Lais, a computer savvy gentleman who sports a fantastic beard, surmises: "I always thought it was a commissioned position for poets who served at functions and events." You're damn close, Dan! Poet laureates have a long, illustrious history across the globe, often serving as creative writers for government patrons, lending their minds and pens to commemorate state occasions and other memorable events. The United States has retained one for years as aforementioned, laying upon them the mantle of seeking to "Raise the national consciousness to a greater appreciation of the reading and writing of poetry," according to the Library of Congress website.

But how does our own Laureate seek to raise our consciousness or appreciation? If you guessed guerrilla classroom takeovers, you're right! Eaton thinks that the best way of breaching the doldrums of non-poetic life and thrusting wordsmithing into the minds of students is to lock down your classrooms with literary terrorism. Envisioning a world of costumed poetry crusaders who storm classes in a manner akin to impromptu theatre, Eaton hopes to spark the interest of students by surprising them with poetry slams.

Although many I talked to thought the practice might prove invasive as an obstruction to learning in the wrong environment, they were quick to add that if relevant to subject matter being learned they would find such an event a pleasant surprise. "I would find it disruptive since I'm in a nursing program, but it would depend on my course of study," Says Chelsea Fierro. "If they show up in art history that would be great," says hopeful student Russel Saint-John.

Eaton's primary goal remains to instill in students the same passion for writing that has guided her through life. "What I would love to do with the position is make people realize how accessible poetry is; its power and what a catalyst it can be in their lives."

Eaton's own relationship with poetry started with an attentive eye early on for cats in hats and giving trees. "Growing up, I really liked [Shel] Silverstein and Dr. Suess. I didn't know it was supposed to be poetry at the time." She continued on her course of accidental encounters when she first saw the movie "Slam" at age 14, a film that tells the story of a young street poet using his talents to survive in prison. The movie revolutionized her understanding of the multi-faceted utilities of poetry, how to one it might be a source of comfort and strength, while others might use it to survive and tell a story.

"If I'm stressed out about something and feel tumultuous, if I put it into words, or read what someone else has written, once it's articulated things never seem as bad." This remedy, as simple as it may sound, is an all too often excluded exercise for students in dire need of ventilation, whose common troubles, no matter their degree of affliction, could be relieved on some level through a better understanding of the written word and its application to their lives. "The spoken word has power," says Eaton, and that very power could be the thing that effuses them with the ability to find peace in whatever storm they're braving.

So if a couple of insane looking people with buckets on their heads and broomsticks in hand burst into your classroom in the near future and start spouting poetry, listen, really listen, because they just might be saying what you need to hear.

Obamanation

I have a picture one of my sisters made hanging on my door of Barack Obama. It's signed in cursive in the bottom right corner beneath the note, "Best wishes - Barry," and his face is appropriately decorated with a saloon style mustache and soul patch. I walk by that thing everyday and I can hear him in my head, with his intermittent pauses and perfect tempo akin to comedic timing dispensing nuggets of wisdom to me.



Today he told me to wear a hat or I would catch a cold, but I got sick anyway. I feel fantastic regardless, however, as the simple pleasure of witnessing Obama's slow methodical back peddling towards centralism sustains me. The playing up of the insurmountable obstructions to the success of our nation so as not to set our expectations too high, literally drawing comparison (as many have parroted since) to our current economic state as being that of the great depression; it reminds me of those kids who have the sun perpetually in their eyes, who "haven't played in awhile so they might be rusty."

Obama faces difficulties to be sure, but I ask you, what president hasn't? Where's the vigor from the trail? The demands for Osama's head as early as October 7th have been replaced with cautious optimism for his isolation in his recent interview with Katie Couric. His cow towing to leftists through the immediate dismantling of our conflict in Iraq and Guantanamo Bay are suddenly fraught with complications and a blurry timeline as reported by the Orlando Sentinal. I'm starting to have some faith in the man through his lack of conviction. It's common practice to vamp up distribution of wishes when you're bargaining the public for the white house, but Jesus 2.0 built his tower a little too high.

Don't get me wrong, I love where this is going. I pray to my Obama picture every day that he continues the path I believe him set upon, and, in the grand tradition of Clinton realizing his ideas weren't working, will move to the middle of the two parties and becomes simply a pretty good president rather than a terrible one. It would be in the interest of us all to strike some kind of equilibrium between extremes. But I am held in constant wonder of this product of our superficial understanding of politics. I have hope in Obama that he will regain that fervor he seemed to have not more than a few months ago but redirect it further towards realistic objectives instead of the fluff and fast numbers he was promising to get elected, that he does not let perception and opinion dictate his actions and that he continues to stray from his previous pattern of pandering to the lowest denominator.

My question is not what his plans are, as we all knew he wasn't going to be the man he was last year once his seat was secure, but what are yours, America? Where are the cries for transparent government and questioning of authority when the government is your own? I imagine no one is eager to bandwagon against a president until they're sure everyone else is on their side first. I won't judge too harshly since many of those proudly displaying "impeach Bush" bumper stickers on their cars are too busy looking around to make sure they're still in the crowd to follow the news; but it will be interesting to see how many of those disappear once the headline skimmers catch up, who will choose proud ignorance or cowardice and hypocrisy if Obama doesn't end up being the savior you who adore him need.



Four Reasons To Doubt Obama

A Poet That Might Know It Questions

I'm doing an interview today with Kaedance Eaton, the newly elected Poet Laurete of LBCC. I'm profiling her with the objective of having students understand her duties and what has brought her to this point. The basic framing of my questions will be after the redundancies like name, major ect..will be as followed.

1. What has your relationship with poetry throughout your life?

2. How would you define your duties as a Poet laurete for LB?

3. What do you plan to do with the position?

4. Explain what Guierella Poetry is.

5. What would you like students to understand about poetry?

Obama's Inauguration Sense Is Tingling

Seen a hero by many, Obama’s face was often imposed on the iconic figure of superman’s chiseled frame by constituents during his landmark campaign. Now Marvel is prepared to elevate him one step higher to actual superhero status as he will be appearing in Amazing Spider-man #583 alongside everyone’s favorite webslinger, set to be released in celebration of his upcoming inauguration into the White House. The story will center on the Chameleon, a villain staple in the series, who hatches a plot to ruin the President-Elect’s swearing in while Spiderman acts as secret service to Obama protecting him from harm. The duo apparently team up to foil the scheme and after a due amount of wisecracking (including Spiderman mistaking Vice-President Biden as one of his other nemesis “The vulture”) and feats of great physical prowess, their victory culminates in a fist bump sure to please bro-code enthusiasts everywhere.

According to Marvel's Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada in an article on Marvel.com, the inspiration for the comic came from Obama’s apparent interest in the friendly neighborhood poster boy for the company. "When we heard that President-Elect Obama is a collector of Spider-Man comics, we knew that these two historic figures had to meet in our comics' Marvel Universe, Historic moments such as this one can be reflected in our comics because the Marvel Universe is set in the real world. A Spider-Man fan moving into the Oval Office is an event that must be commemorated in the pages of Amazing Spider-Man.”

Local Interest in the comic has spiked as news spread. According to Matt Ashland, owner of Matt’s Cavalcade Of Comics in Corvallis. “We had a lot of people calling about it. We don’t carry Spiderman a whole lot, but it sold out within an hour.” Priced at $2.99 a copy and Written by Zeb Wells with art by Todd Nauck and Frank D'Armata the book is slated for release on January 14th nationwide with a second printing already in the works.

Tom Cruise Hates Hitler Like The Rest Of Us

Tom Cruise as an eyepatch wearing Nazi spearheading an assassination attempt on Hitler? Such is the premise of Valkyrie, the Christmas-day-released film based on the story of Colonel Claus Von Stauffenberg, a German officer in Hitler's regime that mounts one of many (spoiler alert if you flunked out of public school!) failed attempts on the life of the evil mustached mastermind. "That's all kinds of awesome!" you may be thinking as you ready your throwing cash to pelt your nearest movie theatre with, but not so fast my fickle friend. Let's take a moment to read this review, shall we, before throwing away your hard-earned marks.

Visually it's a remarkable film; directed by Bryan Singer from X-Men and Superman Returns fame, the movie carries his signature polish and superhero shine, utilizing a grit-free cinematic landscape vibrant with activity and color that revivifies the romantic distinctions of the period. It's obvious within the first half-hour that the strength of the film lies in its plumage; the movie manages to straddle that fine line between realistic depiction and fantastic interpretation with its crisp uniforms and dwarfing sets that typifies imagery we might associate with a greater film. Whoever did wardrobe and set design for the film deserves one of those Oscars that don't get shown on T.V. for drawing the audience so near to the feeling of an epic movie, and lending a hand in coating the blemishes of a slowly paced narrative that takes damn nigh an hour to lift off.

The idea grabs you right away, but the problem lies in the tension; as stated before, we all know how this little story concludes, and it would take one hell of a twist to make moviegoers feel like they didn't just waste two gallons of gas money on a film that recants a well-worn history lesson. But that twist never comes, despite the actors doing their best to fill in the pacing with a strong supporting cast that makes the best of what they were given. The story lulled for the first half; most of the time was spent exchanging heavy ominous dialogue that demolishes my attention span. Background story and development seems like filler for the fulcrum of the otherwise engaging premise.

As vital as character development is in any story, it's only worth the investment if at the end of the film people actually care about the fates of those involved, and unfortunately for Valkyrie little to no attachment was culminated from the extensive purchase of time spent in the former portion of this film. Surface motivations and convenient plot devices numbed the passionate discharge of the cast's performance who trudged on admirably, slamming fists on desks and shaking their heads sadly with the weight of their conspiring.

You may be wondering about the star of our play. I know it's fashionable to crap all over Tom Cruise right now, but he did an acceptable job. If anything, his trademark robotic passion keyed well with his character. Any emotion that did manage to creep from his well-guarded singular style we see portrayed in every film he headlines conveyed a sense of tumultuous restraint which fit the character's motivations well enough.

A glimmer of hope remained as the film really begins to take flight, when the wheels of their plotting begins to build momentum, pressure begins to fill the vacancies of tired threats and staring contests between characters and I actually found myself leaning forward for the last third of the film, a sure sign of interest according to all laws of body language. But alas, it was too late, the final thrust of impetus was not enough to drive the movie over the hill of mediocrity, and it rolled it's sad little frame into a final conclusion toward the junkyard of "meh"-city, population this movie.

I would have been happy to relegate this film to the annals of 'movies I would watch again if someone else rented it', if it weren't for one grating flaw. Being a period piece, certain stylistic elements must be in place to nurture the biosphere in which relevant characters and story developments are grown. Although I don't fall prey to the trappings of unrealistic expectations (nothing is ever going to be like the book), there are a few minor pitfalls every movie set in the somewhat to very distant past seem to blunder into. So let's go down the checklist and see if Valkyrie hits the mark. Get it? Mark? I love currency jokes, it's an illness.

Rule one of bad period films: everyone must speak in an English accent. I didn't really start to notice this until about a decade ago; I think English is default for unimaginative dramatists trying to sound aristocratic and commanding. I can understand Troy's cast talking like they just wandered off of the set of a Jane Austen film, ancient Greek conversational idiosyncrasies are probably a little harder to pull down, but German? Every elementary school kid with an affluence for attention whoring knows how to spit out a decent barking schnitzel-speak without falling back on the elegance of our fair cousin's dialect. It wouldn't have been so bad if a few of them had just made up their minds and picked a single inaccurate accent to imitate, but I swear I heard Irish and some Russian in there too. Ok I only thought of one rule so far but they still didn't pass. Check! You fail, Valkyrie. I give you 2 Nazi Nick Fury's out of 5.

Gamer's Integration Into The Work Force

Once thought a passing (albeit enormous) fad, gaming has established itself as a mainstream staple, rising to prominence in the league of comparable mediums like movies and television. What's more notable is those that have grown up in this entertainment phenomenon, an entire generation indoctrinated with video games, who's vernacular is peppered with newly refurbished turns of old phrases, and a pantheon of memorable experiences foreign to the old growth that precedes them. The Entertainment Software Association released it's annual report findings, which revealed that 65% of American households play computer or video games, and what's more surprising is 59% of those gamers play with others in person. Which falls in line with my own experience, as the first time game I ever played a video game was in a crowded room of boys from my Little League baseball team all clustered around a screen. To my generation gaming is the Rock and Roll revolution of the baby boomers, fragmented experiences using games have helped comprise the landscape of my formative years and produce the kind of person I am today. For years I have also seen the bittered cry of those that dismiss gaming as a distasteful habit of sloth and intellectual erosion, a vehicle of the gradual disintegration of values and work ethics that were once so ingrained into our culture. While condemnation of the passions undertaken by their offspring is nothing new, it does raise the question to me of the impact my gaming generation has had, and will continue to wield on the world. To fully understand the influence it has on my generation, we must first grasp the scope of it's evolution, from pastime to permanent fixture, and it's resounding implications on the world in which we exist.

Pirates can't read either

Oh sweet tender illiteracy how I long for you, days past where I pointed at pretty pictures and imagined their meaning. I feel creatively exhausted as my last reserves have been dedicated to writing essays and speeches. I think the quality of life could be greatly enhanced if I were to revert back to the childlike innocence of pawing the T.V. screen while I watched Sesame Street and stuffed my face with graham crackers.

But im a big college boy now, time to man up and pick a real subject for this blog. Its got to be something fantastic…something topical…something like…pirates! Yes I know, you thought the day wouldn’t come, but it has. Pirates have made their eventual comeback to the world, taking pot shots at passing cruise ships and bringing words like scurvy back into the vernacular of mainstream society. Just say it once out loud… Scurvy… It’s enough to make you want to gouge out an eye and buy a parrot. Apparently I’m not the only one taking an interest. In the article below, a journalist for the Washington Post talks about her quest to actually find a pirate and interview him.

Discussion On Washington Post

Chalk this up to another reason to become a journalist: As a stepping stone to my ultimate goal of joining a pirate crew. I know what you’re thinking. I’d make one hell of a first mate, thanks for the compliment. But piracy isn’t all fun and games. There’s serious business to be had, and I’ll be implementing measures to ensure I get picked first when they’re making pirate teams at recess.

First, I’ve got to come up with a cool name. Logic demands it be one part awesome coupled with another part appendage or item of clothing. So far the short list consists of such worthy submissions as, Deckswab Whiskypants or First Mate Sandlehand. Any one of them could be heard on the high seas of Somalia, so it has to strike fear in the hearts of my enemies. That’s why I’ve decided to pick a sweet middle name so that I can alternate it once I make captain (an inevitability with my pirate know-how and cool American aloofness), like Captain Inyourface, or Captain Bloodeverywhere.

And weapons? Well I’m a modern pirate to be sure, so I decided on a blunderbuss. Sleek and stylish at a mere two to three feet, the blunderbuss is the pirate’s choice weapon for the man on the go. Featuring a mahogany stock inlaid with rare silvers, this is a gun that says, “Hey, I’m a time traveller that can’t find my ship, can you help me?” Just the reaction I’m hoping to get out of the public. And with a mere 2 minutes or so of reloading time I’ll be ready to shoot at Saudi Oil tankards and cruise ships whenever the need arises. Unfortunately its harder to find a cutlass than one might think in this day and age, what with the man getting down on you every time you wander about in public grasping a melee weapon and shouting obscenities at people in the mall. And no matter how much you explain we wouldn’t HAVE this problem if they would just let me keep my employee discount at Big Town Heroes, the thing always gets confiscated. I MEAN ALL I WANT IS A SANDWICH OK?! IS THAT TOO MUCH?! NO I DON’T THINK IT IS. No matter, because I won’t have these kind of issues with fascist America once I’m a pirate

As far as looks go Ive been hanging out in the Apple store in Corvallis, to study the expertise of their clientele, and master the scruffy hipster look that is sure to resonate with my sordid crew. I’m going to buy a big coat, with lots of pockets for booty (that’s pirate for diamonds I think) and gold doubloons. I’ll be sporting a Tri-point hat as well, which may make my fellow sea farers uncomfortable at first, as it is sure to remind them of British privateers charged with their capture. But after the initial tension disperses, I’m certain it will become a distinguishing feature that will only assist with my slow climb up the corporate plank.

Until that fateful day when I find myself aboard a ship, I will hone my skills attacking small passing vessels, or “cars” if you will, hoping to lose a leg. But enough writing. There’s piracy to be had! If you need me I’ll be at Disneyland practicing on the rides. Captain Ragingthiroid OUT!

Sleep is for pussies

So Greg taught me how to use the internet, yay. Now that I am connected to the futuristic technology of tomorrow my assimilation into modern culture can begin, but I have questions. What is the monetary value of a space buck, how many of you are robots, if you explode in space can anyone hear it? Where do babies come from?! These questions and more will be answered in the coming months, as we explore this wonder-filled new world of the internet together. Many inane pointless subject matter we will review, countless asinine nonsensical theories will I bestow upon you, the reading public. And so it begins.

Subject one: Sleep, necessary function or the cowards way out of reality? I like many of you have slept before, I close my eyes, I dream of a land where Grandpa isn’t dead and has enough rifles for all of us. But when I awaken come the rotation of the Earth, I find disappointment is all that waits for me in this land called reality. I begin to question the point of sleep, is it really a process of repair for your body or God’s way of saying “I see you there, and I still don’t like you.” All empirical evidence, scientific research, and common sense say absolutely, sleep is good. But what does science know, it’s dumb and I don’t like it, if i were a slave to trends I would have given up pog a long time ago. then where would I be? Probably dead. So let’s explore the matter further as I present a much needed counter argument.

The first article of evidence I submit is no sleep makes you a man. Adversity makes you strong, and being tired all the time makes shit harder to do, put two and two together. You don’t hear about soldiers writing home, talking about how much sleep they’re getting, about what awesome dream they had last night when their camp was being shelled in Afghanistan. And soldiers are tough, why? Because nobody lets them sleep, in boot camp you get woken up and do push ups at midnight, because your drill instructors know real men don’t sleep. I’ve seen movies, I know what’s up, Tom Hanks never nodded off in the middle of a fire fight, William Wallace didn’t take a power nap before impaling that guy on a spike, that’s right he ran over there and tore that camp up, tore it up good. And who do we always find nodding off in the middle of daffodil fields after a full day of draft dodging and spray painting fur coats: hippies. I rest my case.

Article two, what has sleep done for you lately? It’s hard to do homework when you’re asleep, believe me I’ve tried. The only time you get things done is when you’re awake. That’s money out of your pocket bitch, if you spent a third more of the day at work instead of lolly gagging in la la land you could finally make payments on that car you can’t afford, you could buy another boat. Women love boats, think of all the real non-dream sex you could be having right now if you just skipped the dormancy and went straight for the money, son. “Yeee boooy.”

Article three, psychic abilities. Statistics I just made up show that 80% of your latent telekinetic powers are drained through the process of sleep. Who doesn’t want super powers, not me that’s for damn sure. You could be bending spoons and deflecting meteor showers from the Earth, saving us all from sure destruction if you would just “man” (or “woman”) up and look alive for another third of your life. So what’s your problem, you must not like being awesome. In conclusion, through the process of elimination and irrefutable evidence I have shown that sleep is in fact for pussies, fat people, and small claims court Judges. I hope all three of you that read this have been enlightened and decide to take charge of your lives tonight, let it be known from hill to dale. In the words of Winston Churchill “Cigars are really good, fuck sleep.”

Copy Paste Revivifies My Moldy Prose

Hello dear reader a pleasure to see you at my blog. In an effort to catch you up to the happenings going on in my think tank I am copy pasting a few choice blogs and columns from the near past. I swear this will not become a common practice and I will supply fresh never before seen thoughts in future blogs, as I feel a great sense of loyalty to you already and would never betray the intimacies of the connection we have formed over the last paragraph. Without any further ado IT BEGINS!