Sleep is for pussies

So Greg taught me how to use the internet, yay. Now that I am connected to the futuristic technology of tomorrow my assimilation into modern culture can begin, but I have questions. What is the monetary value of a space buck, how many of you are robots, if you explode in space can anyone hear it? Where do babies come from?! These questions and more will be answered in the coming months, as we explore this wonder-filled new world of the internet together. Many inane pointless subject matter we will review, countless asinine nonsensical theories will I bestow upon you, the reading public. And so it begins.

Subject one: Sleep, necessary function or the cowards way out of reality? I like many of you have slept before, I close my eyes, I dream of a land where Grandpa isn’t dead and has enough rifles for all of us. But when I awaken come the rotation of the Earth, I find disappointment is all that waits for me in this land called reality. I begin to question the point of sleep, is it really a process of repair for your body or God’s way of saying “I see you there, and I still don’t like you.” All empirical evidence, scientific research, and common sense say absolutely, sleep is good. But what does science know, it’s dumb and I don’t like it, if i were a slave to trends I would have given up pog a long time ago. then where would I be? Probably dead. So let’s explore the matter further as I present a much needed counter argument.

The first article of evidence I submit is no sleep makes you a man. Adversity makes you strong, and being tired all the time makes shit harder to do, put two and two together. You don’t hear about soldiers writing home, talking about how much sleep they’re getting, about what awesome dream they had last night when their camp was being shelled in Afghanistan. And soldiers are tough, why? Because nobody lets them sleep, in boot camp you get woken up and do push ups at midnight, because your drill instructors know real men don’t sleep. I’ve seen movies, I know what’s up, Tom Hanks never nodded off in the middle of a fire fight, William Wallace didn’t take a power nap before impaling that guy on a spike, that’s right he ran over there and tore that camp up, tore it up good. And who do we always find nodding off in the middle of daffodil fields after a full day of draft dodging and spray painting fur coats: hippies. I rest my case.

Article two, what has sleep done for you lately? It’s hard to do homework when you’re asleep, believe me I’ve tried. The only time you get things done is when you’re awake. That’s money out of your pocket bitch, if you spent a third more of the day at work instead of lolly gagging in la la land you could finally make payments on that car you can’t afford, you could buy another boat. Women love boats, think of all the real non-dream sex you could be having right now if you just skipped the dormancy and went straight for the money, son. “Yeee boooy.”

Article three, psychic abilities. Statistics I just made up show that 80% of your latent telekinetic powers are drained through the process of sleep. Who doesn’t want super powers, not me that’s for damn sure. You could be bending spoons and deflecting meteor showers from the Earth, saving us all from sure destruction if you would just “man” (or “woman”) up and look alive for another third of your life. So what’s your problem, you must not like being awesome. In conclusion, through the process of elimination and irrefutable evidence I have shown that sleep is in fact for pussies, fat people, and small claims court Judges. I hope all three of you that read this have been enlightened and decide to take charge of your lives tonight, let it be known from hill to dale. In the words of Winston Churchill “Cigars are really good, fuck sleep.”