Pirates can't read either

Oh sweet tender illiteracy how I long for you, days past where I pointed at pretty pictures and imagined their meaning. I feel creatively exhausted as my last reserves have been dedicated to writing essays and speeches. I think the quality of life could be greatly enhanced if I were to revert back to the childlike innocence of pawing the T.V. screen while I watched Sesame Street and stuffed my face with graham crackers.

But im a big college boy now, time to man up and pick a real subject for this blog. Its got to be something fantastic…something topical…something like…pirates! Yes I know, you thought the day wouldn’t come, but it has. Pirates have made their eventual comeback to the world, taking pot shots at passing cruise ships and bringing words like scurvy back into the vernacular of mainstream society. Just say it once out loud… Scurvy… It’s enough to make you want to gouge out an eye and buy a parrot. Apparently I’m not the only one taking an interest. In the article below, a journalist for the Washington Post talks about her quest to actually find a pirate and interview him.

Discussion On Washington Post

Chalk this up to another reason to become a journalist: As a stepping stone to my ultimate goal of joining a pirate crew. I know what you’re thinking. I’d make one hell of a first mate, thanks for the compliment. But piracy isn’t all fun and games. There’s serious business to be had, and I’ll be implementing measures to ensure I get picked first when they’re making pirate teams at recess.

First, I’ve got to come up with a cool name. Logic demands it be one part awesome coupled with another part appendage or item of clothing. So far the short list consists of such worthy submissions as, Deckswab Whiskypants or First Mate Sandlehand. Any one of them could be heard on the high seas of Somalia, so it has to strike fear in the hearts of my enemies. That’s why I’ve decided to pick a sweet middle name so that I can alternate it once I make captain (an inevitability with my pirate know-how and cool American aloofness), like Captain Inyourface, or Captain Bloodeverywhere.

And weapons? Well I’m a modern pirate to be sure, so I decided on a blunderbuss. Sleek and stylish at a mere two to three feet, the blunderbuss is the pirate’s choice weapon for the man on the go. Featuring a mahogany stock inlaid with rare silvers, this is a gun that says, “Hey, I’m a time traveller that can’t find my ship, can you help me?” Just the reaction I’m hoping to get out of the public. And with a mere 2 minutes or so of reloading time I’ll be ready to shoot at Saudi Oil tankards and cruise ships whenever the need arises. Unfortunately its harder to find a cutlass than one might think in this day and age, what with the man getting down on you every time you wander about in public grasping a melee weapon and shouting obscenities at people in the mall. And no matter how much you explain we wouldn’t HAVE this problem if they would just let me keep my employee discount at Big Town Heroes, the thing always gets confiscated. I MEAN ALL I WANT IS A SANDWICH OK?! IS THAT TOO MUCH?! NO I DON’T THINK IT IS. No matter, because I won’t have these kind of issues with fascist America once I’m a pirate

As far as looks go Ive been hanging out in the Apple store in Corvallis, to study the expertise of their clientele, and master the scruffy hipster look that is sure to resonate with my sordid crew. I’m going to buy a big coat, with lots of pockets for booty (that’s pirate for diamonds I think) and gold doubloons. I’ll be sporting a Tri-point hat as well, which may make my fellow sea farers uncomfortable at first, as it is sure to remind them of British privateers charged with their capture. But after the initial tension disperses, I’m certain it will become a distinguishing feature that will only assist with my slow climb up the corporate plank.

Until that fateful day when I find myself aboard a ship, I will hone my skills attacking small passing vessels, or “cars” if you will, hoping to lose a leg. But enough writing. There’s piracy to be had! If you need me I’ll be at Disneyland practicing on the rides. Captain Ragingthiroid OUT!