How To Pretend Like you Watched The Superbowl

With the population of the United States resting just over the 300 million mark and the Superbowl pulling in viewership of an estimated 100 million the question is raised what are the other 200 million people doing on Sunday? According to my calculations after subtracting the obligatory Quaker-slash-baby-slash-coma factor in the remaining two thirds, those of you with electricity and the capacity for bipedal mobility just don’t care. And who can blame you, in today’s fast paced world who has time to watch T.V. with friends and eat food; forget that noise, but a problem arises come Monday when all everyone wants to talk about is the happenings at the bowl and you’re left out of the loop. So what do you do? Fear a little less child, because I’ve got all the information you need to maintain a fully fleshed out conversation for an event you could care less about.

Before we get into the meat of the exercise a few basic tricks to help you get through the conversation.

General Tips: Disagree with someone for no good reason, it will make you seem like an expert.

If multiple people are talking at once, just say words and be expressive with your hands, you’ll feel involved and get your metabolism going.

Complain about referees, nobody likes referees.

Use vague terms when discussing events. If further detail is inquired after fill your mouth with popcorn, or bread, and excuse yourself from the room.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way a few topics of discussion.

5 Things that happened

1. What: 100 Yard Interception return that shook the Cardinals potential lead Who: Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker James Harrison, previously cut by the Steelers 3 times before landing a permanent spot on their roster. When: 2nd Quarter with no time on the clock. Fun Fact: Not only an amazing play but a historical one, landing at the longest interception in Superbowl history which previously stood at 76 Yards by Kelly Herndon. Suggested Topic Starter: Impress your friends with your rudimentary understanding of game rules to ease into the conversation for example ‘Say did you fellas know there are 100 yards in a football field?’


2. What: Bruce Springsteen assaulting your television with a power slide that ended with his crotch slamming into the camera. Who: The Boss and his poor back. When: Halftime, about halfway Through “The Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out.” Fun Fact: Springsteen has up to this point successfully administered the necessary functions to produce 3 healthy children. Suggested Topic Starter: You guys want to hear about the third best moment of my life?


3. What: The Cardinal’s valiant last minute attempt at a comeback, scoring 16 points in less than 10 minutes. Who: Cardinal Quarterback Kurt Warner eye for downfield openings and Wide Receiver Larry Fitzgerald’s nimble hands were responsible for the steady push across the field. When: 4th quarter coming back from being down 20-7. Fun Fact: Kurt Warner was born in Iowa, you know who else was born in Iowa? Nobody because Iowa sucks. Suggested Topic Starter: Just conjoin words and phrases like pocket and ground game with names of players and they should be none the wiser.


4. What: The winning touchdown. Who: Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger throws a deep in-zone pass to Santonio Holmes who brings it down under the cover of three Cardinals. When: 4th quarter with 43 seconds on the clock, second down after Holmes lets one slip through his hands. Fun Fact: ‘Roethlisberger’ can be rearranged to say ‘The beer is log” which is a mere 3 letters away from making sense. Suggested Topic Starter: Challenge your friends to a jumping contest, then during the award ceremony mention the play.


5. What: Mike Tomlin is a Jedi. Who: Steeler Head Coach Mike Tomlin evades being attacked with Gatorade using otherworldly senses. When: A long long time ago in a galaxy far far away. Fun Fact: These are not the droids you’re looking for. Suggested Topic Starter: Next time a co-worker experiences a minor success like filing a report on time, throw Gatorade at them. If they fail to evade it casually comment that they’re “No Mike Tomlin.” When questioned what the hell that means you have your opening.